Month: January 2015

One of the most common complaints I hear in my private relationship coaching practice goes something like this:

“I just wish we could be close again. It used to be so easy”

Or,

“Erin, we’re just not having sex anymore!” 

You might think I hear the first one from mostly women and the second from the fellas.

But you’d be mistaken.

I hear both of these comments from women and men.

Sometimes, the arrival of a new baby has derailed the chemistry a couple has enjoyed in their relationship. In other cases, increased work demands, financial stress, or a crisis such as infidelity has nixed the boudoir bom diggity.

Recently, I worked with a couple grappling with just this kind of crisis. They courageously worked very, very hard to get to the roots of what caused the affair (it’s almost never about the sex, but often about wanting to FEEL like someone is engaged, interested, or fascinated by you).

This couple did the work to rebuild trust and closeness, one step at a time.

During our last session, the Mrs. literally bounced into my office and announced, “My husband and I just had the best sex of my LIFE!”

She and her partner have been married for thirteen years.

How is sustainable passion possible – even after an affair?

The major challenges couples experience in keeping the passion alive are fairly straightforward: boredom, disconnection, and – most dangerously – an overall lack of engagement with one another.

In other words, they’re living together, eating together, sleeping together – but they’re not fundamentally and mutually interested in one another’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

While a dozen long stem roses or a candlelit dinner can be lovely, welcome, and sexy – and can temporarily breathe life into those satin sheets again – most folks are seeking a way to create sustainable passion; the kind that ignites even in the absence of lingerie, bedroom condiments, and sweeping romantic gestures.

And there is ONE quality, ONE area of relationships that can deliver the sparks, the come hither looks, and the magic year after year…after decade.

The problem is, it gets overlooked because it doesn’t sound that romantic. It doesn’t show up in movies and TV shows as THE irreplaceable ingredient to lasting passion.

And for this reason, when I introduce it as the VitaMix par excellence that will get the juices flowing over and over and over again…folks are sometimes astounded. Astonished. And maybe a tad skeptical.

The secret ingredient to enduring passion…is curiosity.

Stay with me, now. I’ve seen this work time and time again.

Remember when you were in the honeymoon phase? Your sweetheart or lover was SO interested in everything about you – your interests, your politics, your hopes, dreams, and aspirations!

Remember the late night calls, long emails, and rambling text messages?

Everything about you was a juicy, delicious mango that your new love wanted to explore and experience to the fullest.

S/he wanted to know you, see you, get you – and everything about you.

In other words, they were CURIOUS about…you.

Wasn’t it amazing to have someone be so into you?

Wasn’t it just incredibly HOT to see and hear and feel someone just want more and more of…you?

The trouble, however, is this: curiosity has to be cultivated!

I’ll put it another way:

One of the surest ways to kill passion is to assume you know everything there is to know about your lover – to stop asking questions, stop striving to “glimpse their hiddenness” (Hendrix, 2008: 136).

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for fifty years – though I celebrate this accomplishment, truly.

When it comes to cultivating curiosity, there’s always more to uncover and discover about another human being.

For one thing, people are always evolving: we are all moving targets, forever in the process of becoming, as they say.

For another, human consciousness is infinite – and the capacity of the heart is eternally expanding. Believe it.

Should you be blessed with a full and long life together…there will still be things you simply don’t have time to discover about one another: unexplored, emerging, or evolving character traits, beauty, and yearnings live within your lover.

Not even a lifetime is long enough to fully come to know them all.

But you can sure as hell try!

A relationship is a living, breathing thing.

Like any living thing, a relationship needs to be nourished. It requires care, feeding, and tending so it can flourish and thrive – passionately!

And the one irreplaceable ‘nutrient’ a relationship MUST have if you want sustainable passion…is curiosity.

So if you’ve lost your curiosity about your lover, start asking questions – of them, and of yourself.

Don’t assume you know what they mean, what they feel, what they think, what their motivation or intention is.

Ask. Please ask.

Also, ask yourself questions like, “Am I assuming I know what s/he is REALLY thinking, feeling, meaning?”

Gently notice and step back from these assumptions and interpretations.

And don’t, please don’t fall into the TRAP of saying to yourself, “I know my spouse better than anybody!”

Remember: your mom said this about you, too – usually right after she reminded you that she changed your diapers.

Not. Sexy.

Guess what?

As much as you’ve changed since you were in Pampers? You will change that much and more – so much more – between the age of 20 or 30 and 50, 60, 70, 80, 90 years of age.

It’s like there are multiple incarnations of you waiting to be born in this one lifetime.

Here’s the best part: if you’re in a committed relationship, you GET TO discover this person again and again. Just like you did in the beginning!

Instead of being the ‘expert’ on your other-half, be the most engaged, avid explorer of their inner world, their always-emerging newness – as well as the outer expressions of who they are (forever) becoming.

Then, as you cultivate your curiosity about your lover day after day…watch and delight in how they respond.

Watch how their inner light turns on and turns up as they feel your keen interest, your curiosity…your passion to (re)discover and appreciate every little thing about them.

Then, enjoy the lifelong sparks that fly within you…and between you.

If you’re curious about how Relationship Coaching can transform your relationships – whether you’re single, content in your marriage, or struggling through a rough patch – I’m offering you a chance to get me one-on-one for a complimentary, 45-minute Relationship Reboot Strategy Session.

Saddle up your biggest relationship wish – and let’s get you on track. Send me an email at erin@erinbentley.com right now and we’ll schedule your session in a hot minute!

Note: I only offer two of these Relationship Reboot Strategy Sessions per week and exclusively to professionals who are serious about creating hot, happy, and healthy relationships. If that is you, shoot me an email asap so we can get you scheduled in. Talk to you soon!

If you ever feel like you’re treated as though your needs don’t matter in relationship…you are in the right place, Dear One.

If you sometimes experience a suspicion that while you’re taking care of everyone else, no one is thinking about your needs…tune in and turn on, Neighbour.

If you sometimes run monologues in your head like, “Today, I’ve washed the walls, bought the groceries, started a small business, and planted an organic, biodynamic garden to feed my family. So why the hell is my sleep-deprived-ass in the kitchen making dinner, too?”…I hear you, Mister / Sister.

If you ever feel hesitant, guilty, or like you simply can’t say ‘no’ to other people’s demands on your time, presence, and energy…there’s something we need to discuss.

You may be suffering from a condition I call Boundary Bankruptcy – and it is the #1 thing stopping you from creating the BIG Love you want in your life.

Boundary bankruptcy is the feeling of resentment, fatigue, or victimhood resulting from prioritizing other people’s needs ahead of your own, most or all of the time.

As I suggested in Part I (Goodbye Relationship Martyr, Hello BIG Love), SO many people have bought into this idea that the BIG Love can only be achieved by giving away the farm – your needs, your dreams, your well-being – through self-sacrifice.

But the obligations, exhaustion, resignation, and the simmering “it’s not fair!” generated by your habit of saying ‘yes’ to others at your own expense…these can never add up to the BIG Love.

Oh, you might start out feeling the BIG Love – but persistently sacrificing your personal boundaries creates a steady decline until all your ‘love accounts’ are, well…bankrupt.

You can’t create the BIG Love when you’re operating from this kind of emotional and spiritual relationship deficit.

Why?

Because unlike financial bankruptcy – which comes with the awful feeling that you owe someone else – when it’s your personal boundaries that are chronically overdrawn, you feel an unavoidable sense that you are owed something.

Some recognition. Some payback. Some time, some energy, some, “Hey, you, it’s your turn to be taken care of for a while” (and not just on your birthday, Mother’s Day, etc.).

If this sounds familiar, I am here to tell you:

The Bank of You Matter Is Calling.

They said you urgently need to start making deposits in your checking (your needs) account. You’re overdrawn.

Seriously: what do you need? Do you need time to paint? Write? Practice yoga? Connect with your bestie?

Perhaps you’ve been throwing your dreams on the back burner to help others achieve theirs.

Or possibly you’ve been so (externally) focused on taking care of others that you’ve actually lost touch with what your needs, your goals, and your dreams are.

This kind of clarity is essential.

Clarity requires daily injections of inner reflection.

So often, I hear folks who mistake a boundary for just saying NO. But boundaries don’t start with saying no.

You can say ‘no’ to everyone in Creation and still not say, ‘yes’…to yourself.

Saying ‘no’ is important at times – but it’s not the same as knowing you matter.

And that’s what we’re really talking about here: because if you’re always putting your needs aside, you are communicating to others that you fundamentally don’t matter.

Remember: we teach other people how to treat us…based on how they see us treat ourselves.

Here’s the good news: by placing your genuine needs higher on your priority list, you make a powerful statement that says, “I Matter”.

This absolutely, unequivocally requires that first, you say “yes”…to yourself.

And this is the basis of ALL healthy boundaries in relationship: identify what you really need and do that first.

This will always be an investment in the BIG Love – because in addition to filling you up, saying ‘yes’ to yourself first simultaneously reduces the burden of resentment, obligation, and fatigue you experience in relationships.

Do this often enough and you eliminate boundary bankruptcy – and instead, you build up your love accounts. And there’s no limit to how high that balance can go!

If this sounds good to you, here’s a little BIG Love to get you started.

I’m offering you a chance to get me one-on-one for a complimentary, 45-minute Relationship Reboot Strategy Session. Saddle up your biggest relationship struggle – and let’s get you back on track…to the BIG Love. Send me an email at erin@erinbentley.com right now and we’ll schedule your session. I can’t wait to help you get started!